Raziel Goes to the Plastic Surgeon
by Andromeda Lionhart
Summary: Title explains all. Yaoi implied (not involving Raziel) all for the sake of humor however. Please r&r. Part 3 is up and now we meet the operating crew.
1. Beach time fun

A/N: This is going to be silly/ just plain stupid also be warned of severe occ. Also it takes awhile to get to the plastic surgeon.

Disclaimer: I own nothing except maybe Rob, and the girl.

Now on with * drum roll * Raziel Goes to the Plastic Surgeon

It was a bright sunny day you know the kind. The sun is shining and smiling with sunglasses on his face. While girls get into their bikinis and go to the beach. Well this is where Raziel comes in...........

Raziel: I hope my custom made speedo comes in today. That other one I bought at K-mart is starting to chafe.

Sure enough Raziel goes outside and there's a pretty package with a bow on it. The pink wrapping paper on it however, makes Raziel start to wonder. Just as he starts to pick it up a Sluagh in a UPS uniform shoves a clipboard in his face.

Raziel: Well hello * looks at name tag on uniform * Rob.

Rob:....Oasadsahhhhhh OHHHHhhhh thissssssssss.

Raziel: Umm... could you run that by me again, only slower this time.

Rob:.............OOOOAASSSAAADDSSSAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.........OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh.........ttttthhhhhhhisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

Raziel: * sarcastically * Well, that was clear.

Rob: * in snobby British accent * Well, if you didn't understand that. I think you should listen to the recording. * under his breath * Don't they educate people anymore?

* Pulls out a large pink boom box. A recording starts to play and Rob begins to break dance*

Raziel: Ohh joy..... a song.

Recording: Umpa doompa doopedee dee I have a proposition for thee. If you find this package unsatisfactory, don't come looking for me. Umpa doompa doope dee dee don't even bother reading your warranty. BECAUSE IT'S EXPIREDAND THAT MEANS YOU'RE SCREWED!!! DO YA HERE ME SCREWED!!!!!!

Raziel: I think we get the point " WE'RE SCREWED " as you so bluntly put it.

With that Rob makes Raziel sign the clipboard. After that he moon walks back to the UPS truck and drives away.

Raziel: Well wasn't that interesting.

Raziel picks up the package not noticing the Victoria's Secret logo on it. He rips off the wrapping paper and opens the box, to find a pink thong with lace around the edges. Also in the box is Victoria's personal collection catalogue. What's even stranger is that it has Kain's address on it.

Raziel: O.O

~ 5 minutes later ~

Raziel: I guess I'll just have to get used to it. * Walks out of his house like a penguin with only the pink thong on *

* People are staring at Raziel with their jaws on the ground *

Raziel: What's their problem?

People: He's got to be a Manson fan.

Raziel keeps on walking to the beach ignoring all the dirty looks he's getting. As soon as he gets to the beach he notices the Elder God apparently teaching Kain to swim.

Kain: * Struggling to stay afloat with bright green arm floaties * Elder dear, could you help me with my trunks, they're slipping.

Elder God: Sure thing Kainypoo.

Raziel: Kainypoo?! TRUNKS?! O-O I'm not going to look or ask.

Elder God: * sees Raziel * Want to join us?

Raziel: @_@ JOIN YOU? No you two look like you're having fun plus three's a crowd. *Backs away making a cross with his claws *

Elder God: Could you at least rub lotion on my back?

Raziel: Ummm maybe later. Gotta go. * Runs like he's in the Olympics to get away *

Elder God: The thong is strong with that one.

Kain: * in a valley girl voice * Looking at other men Elder, that is like soooo not right. Come here so I can punish you big boy.

Raz's silver pheonix: O.O File that one under Info too much.

~ 5 minutes later ~

Raziel has found the perfect spot to do what he came here for...flirt. With girls of course. What did you think he was going to flirt with?

Raziel: * Making a Fabio like voice * Hello ladies.

Unknown to Raziel he's talking to a bunch of girls that forgot to put on their glasses.

Girl: Hello you're cute. Just give me a second to put my glasses on so we can talk. 

Raziel: Score!!!

Girl: * now with glasses on * EEEEEEKKKK!!!!! Get this freak away!

Raziel: Ouch :( that hurts allot coming from a girl with the same IQ as a walnut.

Girl: Sorry it's just that pink thong really makes you unattractive. Besides you don't have a jaw. Maybe you should go see a surgeon about that.

Raziel: So we can't go out?!

Girl: It's not you it's me.

Raziel: That's real original.

Thus after about fifty or so replies nearly the same Raziel made a life altering decision. He was going to see the local plastic surgeon. After all look at the wonders they did to Ariel.

So he then waddled back home ( due to the thong ) and made an appointment with Dr. M. the plastic surgeon.

Receptionist: Hello this is Dr. M.'s office how may I help you?

Raziel: When's the quickest you can get me in?

Receptionist: Well Michael Jackson has appointments most of this week. * flipping pages * Next month too. * beeps * Can I put you on hold someone's on line two?

Raziel: No.

Receptionist: Too bad. * changes lines and cheesy music comes on *

Two hours later and the receptionist finally takes Raziel's call again.

Receptionist: Are you free Friday? Michael just canceled his appointment.

Raziel: I'll take it.

Receptionist: Do you want a hot apple pie with that?

Raziel: Sure! :) 

Receptionist: Give me a second hon. * slides pie through phone *

Raziel: YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY I GOT PIE IN MY TUMMMY!!!!!!

Receptionist: Um.. what tummy?

Raziel: Don't know. It had to go somewhere. Maybe an inter galactic organic portal?

Receptionist: Right.... bye hon. :)

Raziel: Bye. :)

By the time Friday rolled around Raziel was pretty anxious to get to the surgeon. Even though it was Thursday when he talked to the receptionist. Also due to the apple pie he was hyper and literally bouncing around the neighborhood. Then again this came in handy when his lime green beetle broke down. When he entered the office he noticed that the receptionist looked allot like Ariel.

Receptionist/Ariel: Ghastly past, insufferable future, are they one in the same?

Raziel: Ummm...... Sure lady. * under his breath * Somebody's found the doctor's anesthetics and they obviously had a different effect if you know what I mean.

Ariel: Now this desk serves only to bind me here. My prison and eternal home without benefits or vacation pay.

Raziel: Can I see Dr. M. now?

Ariel: Yes little soul.

Raziel: I'll have you know I'm not little at all. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Ariel: I'm sure you are little soul.

Raziel: Ah screw it.

Ariel: Gladly.

Raziel: O.O

With that interesting conversation Raziel saw himself into the office.

Dr. M. : * hides playboy magazine * What are you doing in here?

Raziel: OMG!!!! Melchiah!! You're qualified to be a plastic surgeon?

Melchiah: What do you mean?

Raziel: Just look in a mirror beauty queen.

Melchiah: I can't they always seem to break before I can get a good look.

Raziel: What have I gotten myself into? I have a guy that looks like a melted birthday candle for a plastic surgeon! :{~

A/N: If you want more review!!!!!! Also yeah, I admit this is pretty stupid but I just got the idea and it was begging to be written. ^_~


	2. A little romance

A/N: sorry for the long wait for this one. Severe writer's block in the humor section on my part. This one's a little love story between Kain and The Elder God.   
  
Disclaimer: I only own the story.  
  
  
Kain: Why? Why Pey Pey? Am I not good in bed anymore? If it's about what happened last time with my fangs I'm sorry I dulled them down.  
  
Pey Pey: Honk, Honk HONK! ( he's the Kroger penguin)  
  
Kain: What do you mean it's not me it's you? I'm sorry I took a hunk off last night with my fangs. But I still love you Pey.  
  
Pey Pey: HONK!  
  
Kain: What do you mean get lost? WHAT DO YOU MEAN I"M NOT IMPORTANT? I'M THE EMPORER OF NOSGOTH FOR POTATO'S SAKE!!!! DOESN'T THAT COUNT FOR ANYTYHING? I MEAN I TOOK IT OVER SO YOU COULD HAVE YOUR PARTIES!  
  
Pey Pey: Honky Honkidy HONK!  
  
Kain: I am not your bitch. Your the one that's always on the bottom!  
  
Pey Pey: HONK HONK!  
  
Kain: Fine I'm leaving and don't expect to see me back.  
  
So with that nasty break up Kain went back on the singles list. Poor Kain ne? But Raziel wasn't the only one that made a life altering decision.  
  
Kain: I'm going on the dating game! * starts dialing the show *  
  
Receptionist: You would like to be on the dating game? Alrighty how old are you?  
  
Kain: A woman's age is her secret.  
  
Receptionist: We have to know.  
Kain: Around 2 millennia. I lost count after the first two so I'm going to round it down a few centuries.  
  
Receptionist: You're joking right?  
  
Kain: Absolutely not.  
  
Receptionist: * laughing * This is the dating game. We don't hook up corpses.  
  
Corpses: Hey!  
  
Kain: Oh I'll show you! * heads over to the studio to find receptionist *  
  
RSP: I'm taking time to insert that no receptionists were hurt in the making of this fic. All right maybe one or two. * Listening to materials manager * What do you mean five hundred? I know I wanted to get the scene perfect but not literally you moron. You do know that the Humane Society and Worker's Lib. are going to be after my ass now don't you? * switches to a new screen with tears streaking down her face * Hug the next receptionist you see for they are on the endangered species list now as the conservationists top priority.  
  
Kain: * proceeds to beat the living crap out of receptionist #500 *  
  
Kain: * still beating what's left * Lord this stinks.  
  
A week passes and Kain is still on the eligible bachelor's list. Until that is he goes to a Japanese restaurant.  
  
Cook: What you mean cook squid bad? What you mean it was sister and cousin?  
  
Elder: I mean you just fed my mom to those people and your currently cooking my first cousin and sister!  
  
Cook: Impossible we don't cook things with intelligence.  
  
Elder: Why haven't they cooked you yet?  
  
Cook: Because I endangered specie.  
  
Elder: I never said my family had any intelligence but still.......  
  
Kain: * Is overhearing this entire conversation * Excuse me cook. You shouldn't cook this man's family it's just wrong.  
  
Cook: I only do job. I no care about his family.  
  
Elder: You care?  
  
Kain: * Currently ignoring Elder and starts snapping fingers in a valley girl like way * That is soooo not right. Don't make me break out my moves. Family is like man's tight * bleep * I can never have enough.   
  
Elder: Me too!  
  
Kain : Really?  
  
Elder: You're the one I've been searching for!  
  
Kain: Yes I know!  
  
Then the slow running sequence and the cheesy music begins, and here ends the story o how the Elder and Kain met.  
  
A/N: Well that was for all of you that wanted to know. Review or I'll sick the cook on you! 


	3. Meet The Crew

A/N: Please look below.  
  
RSP: * looks around at "her" reviewers * My god! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to kill Timmy honest to god he just pushed a button I swear!  
  
Cameraman: * mumbles something in her ear *  
  
RSP: Oh that! * slaps head * Sorry there guys I lost myself. (and a small pack of monkeys but that doesn't really matter). Anyway I've been suffering from: the cook temporarily stole my brain syndrome, or if you want to get technical: Writer's block or: Writer's Reoccurring, Inability, To, Ever, Right (wrong one I know), 'so, Babies, love, ocean, coconut colored, kangaroos. Err..... something like that! Now on with the "show" * blinks * What exactly is with the quotations? Never mind * Sighs and mumbles * There really isn't any decent help these days.  
  
Disclaimer: I only own original characters.  
  
Melchiah: Now if we cut there, steal some skin from me and put it there, you'll look like an anorexic swimsuit model!  
  
Raziel: Is there any possibility that I could look like the real "me" again?  
  
Melchiah: I'm going to be uncontrollably bluntly honest with you ok?  
  
Raz: Ok  
  
Melchiah: You have as much of a chance as Kain is straight or me beautiful for that matter.  
  
Raz: but you are beautiful......* coughs on the inside * And you never know Kain could wake one day and decide to be straight.  
  
Mel. : Now you're in denial my brother.  
  
Raz: Well what can you do to me?  
  
Mel: almost anything I want when you're out....erm I mean.....did I say that out loud?  
  
Raz: Yes and only all of China heard.  
  
Mel: Well then that's ok because they don't really matter anyway.   
  
RSP: New screen people. * Camera Man 2 pans to a new screen with the great wall of china in the background and RSP in traditional "robes" (whatever they wore then) * Before I continue I would like to say that yes Chinese people's ideas and values are important they're kinda being abused in this fic though. But this in no way has effect on any other country in the world so let's continue. (Honest don't get offended it's for the sake of the fic).  
  
Raz: Well can I at least meet all of the people who are going to be doing the procedure?  
  
Mel: Of course. * pulls out mini stage * There is of course me.   
  
Raz: Yeah I kinda figured that who else?  
  
Mel: A newly hired Japanese cook.  
  
Raz: A Japanese cook?  
  
Mel: He's great with small cuts and squid.  
  
Raz: I have hardly anything to cut already and I can't exactly eat.  
  
Cook: * Walks on to the mini stage * Me make you pretty. * bows *  
  
Raz: * under his breath (if he has any)* Like hell you will.  
  
Mel: Next we have a penguin by the name of Pey, Pey. He was recently fired from Kroger and hired here. He'll make sure you stay out until it's time for me to collect the cash...erm I mean time for you to wake up.  
  
Pey: Honk, HONK!  
  
Raz: What'd he say?  
  
Mel: oh my Pey, it seems he just got over a hard break up.  
  
Raz: With who?  
  
Mel: * walks over a whispers in to his ear *  
  
Raz: MY GOSH DERN CHINA FLAKES! I DIDN'T KNOW KAIN WENT THAT WAY TOO!  
  
Mel: Well, he did. You'd be better off not to tell him that Kain created you.  
  
Pey: * Hears this and files it in his mental filing cabinet of DOOM! *  
  
Mel: * sees this * (how I have no idea because of all of the extra skin around his eyes) Um... Raziel you'd better be careful.  
  
Raz: Why?  
  
Mel: The penguin knows all!   
  
Raz: What he works for the psychic hotline?  
  
Mel: He was Miss Cleo's right hand Penguin.  
  
Raz: My God! Um wait didn't they get caught for using scripts?  
  
Mel: Shhh! He doesn't know!  
  
Raz: I thought you said he knew all.  
  
Mel: Well, everything but that.  
  
Raz: Well technically speaking that's not knowing "all" as you put it.  
  
Mel: Shut up! I mean please pee patient.  
  
Raz: * Speaking to the cook * The man's got something on his mind because that's a complete oximoron. Come on you can't be patient if you have to pee.  
  
Cook: Me think so too. I have nice laxitive if he need it.  
  
Raz: * ells cook what a laxitive actually does *  
  
Cook: Well that answer great question only Confucioous could answer.  
  
Raz: I thought that was Confucius.  
  
Cook: Confucioous is name of toilet.  
  
Raz: Well, that explains a whole lot of nothing. Hey MEL!  
  
Mel: Yes?  
  
Raz: When does my surgery start.  
  
Mel: * in announcer voice * IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF RAZIEL GOES TO THE PLASTIC SURGEON!!! Surgeon.....ergon......rgon....gon  
  
Raz: What's with the home made echo?  
  
A/N: Sorry I've lowered my comedic genius down a bit. you can blame it on the killer gerbils that are currently inhabiting my mind.   
  
Gerbils: Oh $hit! We said that out loud! 


End file.
